Reinventing My Mental Alacrity

The Coming Holiday

2008-11-26T18:02:00.000-08:00

Well it's been a fairly busy last two weeks in my life. Work picked up pretty nicely aside from this week. Fifteen hours is pretty unheard of to me in the business of the holiday season. Oh well though, gives me time to relax and catch up with my hobbies and life.

These holidays are coming up a lot faster than I could have imagined. Just to think that Thanksgiving is Thursday is pretty surreal. As of the last five or six years my holidays have been pretty absent. After the falling out of my mother's side of the family we haven't really done much at all in celebration. I wish there didn't have to be any kind of family drama bullshit in any ones lives. It's just so unnecessary, so simple to just leave out. Then again I suppose the more you know about someone the more bad you can say about them, and who supposedly knows you better than your family.

This year I spend my Thanksgiving with my lover's family. It'll be nice, it'll feel like home. Thanksgiving hasn't ever really been a major celebration in my life, we'd gather and eat, it was always fairly awkward, and always uncomfortable. Celebrating with my mother's side of the family wasn't very desirable. There are only a couple of them that I can really stand, the others are crazy, trashy, or just malicious. Her family should make me feel like I'm having a nice Thanksgiving. They're very family oriented and nice. It'll be nice.

I have a lot to be thankful for this year. It's been a vast improvement over the last two. I'm thankful for love, for happiness, for comfort, for my life. It's been a long grind so far and that's not changing too soon, but at least I know it's gotten better and it keeps getting better.

A New Day

2008-11-13T22:26:00.000-08:00

Where the hell have I been? Busy? Distracted? I swear it's just a thing of forgetfulness, writing just doesn't sit high on my priority list. I can't tell you why, I suppose I just try to shove more things into my day.

It's been a good life lately though, things are looking up more and more every day. My job is going really well. I don't think that I've ever had a job in which respect is so clear and positivity is so damn reinforced. It feels good to be complimented, to be recognized for my achievements. Even if it's just a simple congradulations, it still makes all the difference. People underestimate the power of kindness.

I feel more and more that I'm at the point where my life turns into the future. No more waiting, no more frustration. I still wish that woman would call me back about that 4runner. I want it bad. I need it worse.

I'm happy that our government is going in a better direction. It'll take a bit of time for our nation to reunite and drop the whole pride thing, but people seem to be very happy with the new changes. I really think that people need to get over the gay marriage issue, I mean if you think our constitution should be changed to make you feel more comfortable in your PERSONAL beliefs, then why don't we get rid of divorce laws, premarital affairs, and out entire judicial system. I just don't know who gets the right to rape another of human rights, I could have sworn we got rid of that with the abolishment of slavery, but that's just me.

Milk and Cookies

2008-10-24T16:07:00.000-07:00

Shortbread animal crackers aren't quite as good as the real deal but they will do. So the new job is off to a pretty good start. Seems fairly easy, retail, cashiering, stuff like that. Two more weeks until the income makes and impact.

The more I am around them, the less of a dog person I become. They beg, piss everywhere, and just generally kill for attention. Well in their defense the last three I've been around have been fairly defiant in their own ways. If it's not bad training it's just a thing of personality. Oh ya, and the barking, so unnecessary.

The relationship is going very well. Better than it has as of late, she's happy. She's finally started to be happier again and I couldn't be happier. It's just nice to see her with a smile on her face, I personally don't think it gets any better than that. I love her.

Tonight my account finally expires, just as we start to show some real advancement. Just three more days would make all the difference in my opinion. Then again I'd like to play until the day the expansion comes out now. Then again again, I'm sure that once that day came I'd want to play the xpac.

There go the dogs again. Christ

/Quit

2008-10-16T22:49:00.000-07:00

It's time to be responsible again. Time to make my life progress. I'm on the eve of a new oppritunity in my life and I have to make the most of it. Save, save, save, work, work, work. It's been quite a while since I've had the ability to really take charge of my situation and now with some new coming events I feel that I can again.

Life is always what you make of it. I unfortunatly feel that as long as I am busy I am living just fine. It's not always that case, especially not now. I don't just live for me anymore and I need to take that into far more consideration. I've been very negligent of the person who needs me, I've been selfish and it isn't right. I've made up my mind to cut out my hobby because it's draining me of hours and hours of my time that can be used for things that are actually tangable.

I suppose I should try and actually start to make something out of myself. I plan on getting back to school as soon as I possible can. My new employer is going to be a great help in making that goal accomplished. I'd also love to learn Brazilian Jui-Jitsu and Muay Thai, but that's not happening until I can actually afford it, and even then, it'll be another three hours every other day that I'll be selfishly absorbing for myself. So I don't really know what to do. I've made up my mind on my hobby/addiction, but the way I am means that I'm not going to be happy being idle.

Well now I need to find something new to do with my time.

Routine

2008-10-10T22:37:00.000-07:00

So my days are becoming more and more routine and it's starting to get old. I guess I'm just getting comfortable, too comfortable. I need to try and get my drive back, try and get my life together again. At this point I should be well on my way towards my goal, but I've let myself be sucked into a comfort zone. So now I have to pop my own bubble and get back out there and find a path.

Employment will be the first thing that I seek. It's been far too long since I've had a steady form of income, I need it. I have to get my life going before too much of it slips away from me. I feel like if I don't get my path selected soon that I'll be drowned in the ever increasing flood of time past.

The routine of my day is keeping me from really leaving any kind of impact on my memory. Each day seems relativly exactly as the day previous. Nothing new, nothing really old, just all the same, over and over. I need to be given a reason to wake up in the morning, other than "well it's noon I should get up I guess."

Eh

2008-10-05T23:11:00.000-07:00

So I was fairly unhappy today and I don't know why. I tried to put reason to it, but I'm really just unsure as to why. I tried to have what I consider fun and it didn't do anything but make it worse I suppose. I guess I'm just bored, I don't really do anything anymore. For some damn reason my typing isn't going very well. Stupid poor finger dexterity. Anyways, I just got upset. Somewhere between listening to videotapes of someone else's memories from childhood and thinking about how mine wasn't very eventful, and thinking about how my current life is still more of the same. I suppose it just upset me to think that I haven't really done much with my life yet. I've missed out on events in the typical format of a teen/young adults life on purpose and I suppose this is what regret feels like. Not having stories of my own to bring up in relevance, no real opinions on things that everyone has experienced. I suppose I feel left out of life, even though I know that it was me that was doing the leaving out.

But even looking at my life as a whole as of today, I'm not doing anything to change it. I'm being safe, secure, locking myself away. I'm letting simple, pointless things absorb my time like I always do. I don't feel like I'm doing much to really live my life, and I don't think I know where to begin on making that better. Where should I go? What should I do? Simple questions that have fairly difficult answers to acquire.

I just don't know why I got sad today. I need to try more. Try to make memories, make stories that I can tell and call my own. I suppose without memories we are nothing, without having knowledge of our previous existence, maybe we never had reason to exist in the first place. I underestimate the importance of the time that I waste on simple things that in the end mean nothing. I could be doing so much more, making so much more of my time and my life. I just have chosen not to, which I'm sure that the more time I take to avoid life, the more I'll look back and hate myself for doing so. If it makes me sad to look back and feel that I didn't do enough with my adolescence and childhood, imagine how I'd feel looking back and feeling that I didn't do enough with my whole life.

It's just a trying life, and a life in which you have to try.

Hope

2008-10-02T23:46:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty hopeful a person. I think hope is something that we all should allow ourselves to be driven by. It's not certainty, but it can be very real. Without risk there is nothing to gain right? So by that I feel that hope can be very acceptable. It drives me and it drives a lot of people that I know, and when it's not present in a person's life, it's saddening. To see someone without any hope saddens me. Giving up on hope is like turning off every light in your world. It's like killing every fiber of your being that wants to progress in life happily.

Hope is often misunderstood I think. People demand centainty, which isn't always a bad thing, but to give up on hope and not be able to risk a what if, that's just not living. We need our comforts in life, whether it be religion, love, or solely something of entertainment, hope is something that we crave. It's my belief that everyone hopes for something, for some reason instilled within them. There's no point to living without hope, and if you have a heartbeat, you have a hopeful prayer in your being.

I just wish our world could show more hope, more faith in what feels right. We've advanced a lot in our species. As human beings we can really make the decision as to whether something is true or false, real or fake, we just tend to not open some books. It's a tricky thing to ask however, to try and falsify beliefs, faiths, hopes. I for one am not a believer in organized religious belief, I think it's dangerous and should not be taken literally. I would not seek to falsify it however, I feel that people need their comforts in this life, without them I feel that the masses of believers would corrupt and destroy us all.

A Solid New Path

2008-09-29T23:06:00.000-07:00

So as my interviewer reminded me, this is attempt number three at situating my life. I have a very good feeling about it this time however. I think I can actually suceed in my current situation, I think I can finally make this happen.

For as long as I can remember my parents have been really wanting me to suceed. They always had faith in me and to this day still think I have the best odds of real sucess out of my siblings. I don't want to let them down, and I don't want to let her down either. Which is why I suppose I've taken so many shots at this.

But now I'm certain. I'm certain that this will work. Optimistic, happy, in love, and regaining all that I felt I had lost. I'm definitly on my way.

People Change

2008-09-27T23:54:00.000-07:00

As time passes everyone changes. I just never expected my friends to change in such rapid fashion. Since when are you girls so damn girly? Candles, makeup, and shopping, all talked about in the most ear splitting volume. It's crazy how fast people can become everything that they had previously hated, and made known that they hated. I don't like the change.

I suppose it comes with the lack of balancing factors. Certain people leave the equation and suddenly it becomes a monarchy. The alpha and the followers, so damned annoying. I never thought that they could become that way, in a few months they changed from twenty years old to late thirties. Gossipy, shit talking, middle-aged, mindsets that are soon to drive the men in their lives away. It's the kind of wives that husbands run away to golf courses and bars to escape.

I just never wanted to feel that way around my friends. Like there were things that had to go unsaid, opinions that couldn't be expressed, or the alphas would excommunicate me from their empire. It's not a comfortable, friendly place. At least not anymore. I suppose that's why the balancing members of our tribe find it so easy to relax in their distance. I myself am a balance, and I understand how unwelcome I am when I'm unnecessary.

Oh well, bridges will inevitably burn, people will understand and adapt to what's happening. It's all a matter of time, and time is a uncontrollable factor, so it has to be countered by patience, and I happen to have a lot of that.

Fourteen

2008-09-24T23:02:00.000-07:00

It's been fourteen months now with my lover. I couldn't be happier. We've had a rough time in our lives from the beginning, but I think our love has really helped us get through our struggles. Her family's dissolve, my life's distraught. From the first beginnings of our relationship we've had to look out for each other's survival. It's been intense, but the juice is defiantly worth the squeeze, I really love this girl.

Fourteen empty Martinelli's bottles sit in our closet, mementos of each month of our lives together. It's cute, kinda cheesy but cute. To think, we've been living together for the last eleven months, only three months after our beginning. Many people would think that it would ruin our relationship, but we've been good about it. Keeping each other out of our back pockets, keeping our individuality while being as close as imaginable.

We've had our fair share of frowns and smiles, but any down is followed by a very immediate up. We're Geminis. We reflect each other in the best ways possible. It's pretty amazing, we can read each other's mind at times it seems like. We seem to share intellectual differences in a positive way, they don't lead to argument, but rather idea. We keep each other entertained in our own weird ways, and our loving ways.

I'm in love, and I hope to open many more bottles of Martinelli's with this girl.

Updates

2008-09-22T20:40:00.000-07:00

I suppose it's time to update my life. I'm working on getting back into good shape, not that I'm fat or anything, I'd just like to be more fit. I've found somewhere nice and comfortably safe to go running in this area. I would just run around the neighborhood, but it gets rather dark after only seven P.M. due to the surrounding mountains and the lack of lighting throughout the area. Also once I start working I can start going to the local recreation center, ten dollars a year for a gym sounds very inviting to me. Aside from my current mission to better my health, I've formed a new addiction in the gaming world.

Spore. I honestly didn't think anything of this game, I just went on thepiratebay.org and checked the PC games top one hundred and sure enough it was number one. Now I spend a lot of my time trying to dominate the universe with my creepy three eyed freaks with a spaceship with far too many guns. It keeps me pretty entertained.

Now I have to cut this a little short, or well I suppose I'm content with what I've written so far. It's time to get back to one of my older addictions as brought on by the misses. It's time forthe new season of Heroes.

Fondness< Dependancy< Addiction

2008-09-20T23:33:00.000-07:00

So my mind has been all over the place lately. I guess I just haven't been in the best mood lately. I feel like I've been making a lot of change lately. It's uncomfortable, but I'm sure I'll get used to it. I just don't know what to really do about it. I feel like every day it's a new reason to see you frown and it just makes me think that that's not changing anytime soon. So much worry and sadness, it just gets to me I suppose. I just get lost in my head wondering how I can make her happy, but it seems that even that upsets her.

I don't seem to be embracing this change very well. I miss my friends and having something to do all the time. I miss my family as well. Regardless though I assure that I am happy. I like being where I am solely because of who I am with, which I'm sure some people would think I'm an idiot for that reason. I don't think so though. Then again I am kinda unsure of how I feel about not really having a time to feel alone anymore. I know I could go out, but where's there to go? Who's there to see?

I suppose we all need our escapes. Dependency is something that is developed with time, addiction is a strong form of dependency, but what good is exchanging one for the other? After all addictions are things that you're generally suppose to end. So I think I'll put some consideration into renewing my recently cut off addiction in order to ensure that my highest priority in life doesn't end up the same way.

Changes, Moderation, and Addiction

2008-09-18T23:42:00.000-07:00

The last three years of my life have seen many a change. I've developed new habits, ways of living, loves, hates, addictions, and I've taken on change with as much of an embrace as I can muster. As of late I've finished my fifth moving leaving me in Palm Desert in my girlfriend's mother's home. They've taken me in with nothing but warmth and happiness, which is pretty nice.

This change is making an impact on my habits. Along with me being broke, in a relationship which I need to dedicate a lot of my time and all of my being to, and me not having much of anything to show for my last few years, I'm having to moderate myself. For one it's time for me to cut down on my addictions. My addiction to caffeine as brought on through over two years of daily drinking of Monster energy drinks has been one that I'm having to cut down on. It seems to be working, my headaches don't happen too often anymore, mainly only if I drink them two days in a row and then skip a day. That'll do it.

The other cut has been a long running hobby in which I've invested a lot of time into. Sadly I have nothing to show for this investment, as it's all been for a ridiculous video game. Sounds pretty pathetic, close to eighty days worth of time invested in something virtual that has no real affect on my life. But still I feel very indifferent about it. On one hand i see how selfish it is to take five hours out of just about every day to play a video game and be completely disattached to everything around me. Then again on the other hand I really do enjoy it. It's lame and stupid in many people's eyes but it's precisely the kind of game I like to play.

I've always been a believer in the idea that if you can't give a man everything in the world then at the very least give him something to do, and that's my something to do. It's kept me from focusing on the loneliness and stress in my worst times. But now I suppose I'm at a point that I don't need it anymore, a point that it'll just be better to let it go. Oh well, at least my account will stay frozen until I reopen it if that day ever comes.

Changes in my life are leading to a very real need for moderation, it's just up to me to break down and accept them for what they are, and what they stand for.

Communicative Struggle, A Little Disconnected

2008-09-16T22:27:00.000-07:00

Writer's block..... damn.

Well i wanted to write about communication, i think it's extremely important. I've always had a lot of trouble with it. In school, growing up, I was always very quiet and reserved. I never really tried to stand out, i hated having to be in front of a lot of people or anything remotely social. It led me to having enough friends to count on one hand for the first 16 years of my life. My struggle with being social had a bit of a bad effect on my mind though.

As I grew up I only got quieter and quieter, more and more shy. I'd go out and try to have fun and such, but I'd always be sitting alone, lost in my own head because I was too shy to try and explore someone else's. I honestly look back and wish I had never been that way. Wish I could have let my social skills develop like everyone else's. Maybe it would have made life a little easier.

The effects of my struggle are still apparent to me today. I still feel like my brain never got the chance to develop that part of it fully, as if I'm a little disconnected. For the longest time I could never explain why when I try to talk to someone the words don't always want to come out, but when I'd write, I'd always be amazed at how much I really had to say,how much just failed to come out when my mouth was open.

In a way I feel like I'm more balanced now. I've gained the social skills enough to be satisfied with how I communicate with people, but I feel that my writing skills have taken a definite decline. So now i have to try, try and make my writing comparable to how it once was while keeping myself sane and satisfied with my abilities in communication.

Premonition

2008-09-14T21:45:00.000-07:00

I am a believer. I think that we have the ability as natural instinct to keep ourselves safe and prepared. I've always felt that when my mind was at it's most open i can know what's coming next, whether it be something as simple as the next phrase to be uttered out of someones mouth, or in some cases what random face is going to walk in the room. It's an erie feeling when your premonitions are answered so precisely. I don't however have a solid opinion on psychics. I don't quite believe in them, but the supposed abilities that they have are just an insignificant margin of what they front.

As of late I've found myself with a rather repetitive scenario base of a premonition of death, in which I'm left with wealth. I have no idea what this is supposed to mean though. Death is not something i would like to toy around with, even in scenario. It does frighten me to think that maybe this one will come true. With me being on the positive end of the receiving of wealth sends a red flag up in my mind indicative of it being someone very close to me. Which is something I would hate to imagine.

I haven't really lost anyone that close to me ever. I have had my share of a few mourning for beloved people that have passed through my life and into death, but with this thought i feel that it could be someone that will strike me hard. However, when i did scenario the though of a death leading to my personal gain in fortune, i did not feel stricken with negative emotion. Not a stir of remorse, sorrow, grief, nothing, just gray. That was my only reassurance that maybe this is not to be. Maybe I'll be able to get away from this one.

A Reason To Rebuild

2008-09-12T20:59:00.000-07:00

Blogging is nothing new, not to me, not to many. The fact that I am writing once again is upon request, with a definite goal of embetterment. I wish it wasn't a fact that i have to revert to an old way of thinking, that i didn't lose the alacrity of my old mind. Pathetic, I'm supposed to be taking steps forward, not retracing my steps haha. Oh well, it's for the best. I just don't want to feel that my ability to gain knowledge by deep mental examination had peaked when i was fucking fifteen. I suppose it hasn't. I just feel that my mind is more and more distracted and preoccupied than ever, and it shows apparently.

My girlfriend is the one who suggested i relearn. Revert back and launch forward, i suppose It'll work like a slingshot, so at least I know I'm headed for my goal with haste. She's the one that notices, points it out, makes me realise that I've really lost touch with my own mind. Perhaps ill just read over some of my old writings. Opinionated, sometimes bias, but overall very thoughtful in my opinion. I've never questioned my ability to think, to examine, to learn, but until recently at least. I'm at a greatly distracting point in my life, and it shows.

Well, now that I've gotten a tidbit of my recent fortunes and my reasoning for this blog out of the way, the next writing will be my first solid attempt at rebuilding that sought after alacrity of times past. Let's hope this goes well.

My life can be incased in a pretty small nutshell

2008-09-10T19:48:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a good two years of shifting around, trying to find a home of at least a long temperance, but i think that search is over. I guess i always underestimated how nice i really had things. My family was stable in finance and health, i was comfortable, it was adolescence.

My breaking out of school, becoming an adult, started a hard time in my life. The General Electric plant that my father had invested 27 years of his life into had fallen on its face. He was layed off without shit for consideration of the fact that in those 27 years his overtime work put him around 50 total years worth of work. Unfortunatly however, he was still just cut off, they said he was 1.5 years short of early retirement. Where does that put you mentaly? To know that all of your dedication and hard work was without long term spoil. We were crushed.

Forced to move out of state and away from everything that i loved, (less my family of course), my life took a very poor turn. Texas was to be my new home. I'll say this much of Texas, it's nothing in comparison to California in my eyes, which is probably simply because i spent 18 years of my life there. So began a rather depressed time for my family and I.

So far i've had two failed attempts at making my life work back in Victorville, my hometown, each time of course because of poor economy and vast overpopulation. The High Desert is becoming a terrible mess.

The only thing keeping me strong and determined to stay is my lover. She has given me everything that she can to make our loves work together, and I have done my best to return the favor, and to show my appreciation for all that she is.

That's the foundation of my current life, more to come soon of course.